I have viewed many fart videos online and I can tell you without a doubt: That none of those videos even remotely approach
the Musicality achieved by the Fjornsens. Not one of these videos has a person actually farting
out a tune. Something for which the Fjornsens deserve credit.
Once Farty went to light a fart after a Farting contest had been going on for about an hour...His
Father jumped up out of his chair and exclaimed, "Jump-in Jesus H. Christ!!!...You want to kill us all!!!" (He was Abso-Ass-Muthafukin-Lutely
Goddamn serious as a freaking heart attack.) Farty Was Grounded for 3 days for that stunt! (Not
really....(^>) I think Farty made that one up.
Not even the Fjornsen Family Pet was to be spared this family pastime...for BJ (God knows
why they would name a dog BJ) would often eat the leftovers of the secret formula and hence create
some music of his own. Once he stopped in mid gate in the center of the room and I thought he was
going to pee or shit..Farty assured me, "No, He's just going to fart." Sure enough, "POOT", out came a little blast which
was medium-high in pitch and which had the Furensens looking left and right at each other and which encouraged the remark,
"Well, that was a good one!" Then with Cheshire
grins they all took turns petting him.
Enters "Elsfart":
Fellis (Elsfart), came into the picture after the demise of Fartys Father when his Mother,
(Having morned long enough) decided to go to Church to find a good man.
....And at a church
social, during a plea for money by some Missionary, at just the right moment when the dialog was just a bit cheesy...Elsfart
let one Ripp! (Much to the amusement of everyone).
His qualifications as a champion
Farter established, he was approached by Mrs. Fjornsen and complemented on his aplomb. An invitation to come over for "Dinner"
to sample her "Home Cooking", followed.
A Nice Man by any standard, He fit right in and quickly established his position as champion
Farter of the Clan. As I have been told he specialized in Bugle calls.
They were also into Smuggled Cuban PORNO that was SO SICK
and DEPRAVED that it would have eclipsed ANYTHING on the Internet today!
The Fjornsen Clan Jingle:
Farty Hearty,
Had a Party,
All The Fartys There,
Tooty Fruity,
Let a Beauty...
They all went out
For Air! HAY!!!
The Karate Pencil Incident:
In 7th Grade, Fjornsen and another Psycho, Grubeil Had
a Pencil Fight..Using them as swords and making like in a movie sword fight. Grubiel (Also a Hypochondriac) Stabbed Fjornsen
in the kneecap and left the pencil stuck in it (!!!) and Fjornsen was holding it screaming, "Pull
it out...pull it out!" and Grubiel, with an evil grin, calmly walked over and snapped it off with a Karate chop!
"Toosh" it cleanly snapped leaving the lead inside! There was a small Dot left behind forever marking the spot.
Once during Christmas vacation, while a plane passed over head, Grubiel aimed his toy pistol
at it and said, "James Bond" and fired..Then Farty aimed and said, "Matt Helm"and shot..then finally I took aim
and said, "Our Man Flint" and exactly at the moment of firing, a man jumped out of the plane and it went into a steep DIVE...We
were all astonished and I found myself genuinely looking at the muzzle of my toy pistol!! (It turned out to be Santa,
parachuting into the supermarket parking lot). I took advantage though and exclaimed, "You see...Flint
is best!"
"The Blazina Chronicles":
Blazina, An Air Force Sergeant (who though Italian,
had Flaming Red Hair), Was Drunk in a military vehicle (VAN) being driven to another
base for some Forgotten reason and who picked up 2 unlucky college girls who were hitch hiking).
Blazina, sitting in between the two:
"You girls like to Suck Dick???....It's
GOOOOOOOD....come on baby...just touch it a little (poking it against her leg just below her mini-skirt...leaving little droplets
behind on her nylons..." Here look...I'm clean..(Waving his dick around)..Heh Heh...an it ill be just our secret"..(Forgetting
there were 6 other guys in the van.) As they left, quite frightened, Blazina yelled out the window,
"You Fucking Cunts! I'm gonna tell all your preppy friends that you ATE
OUT MY ASSHOLE!!!"
The Hay-Hay-Hay, hot Monkey
love Incident:
The Couple who lived upstairs from me were a strange mismatched
pair and had some unusual sexual habits and customs. Imagine a Rather Obese and not attractive (But white)
Apeman and his wife, a very attractive Business-woman type who dressed fifth ave every day and
who one day had a session so loud that we all could hear without eavesdropping:
"Wheeeeee!...Hay-Hay-Hay!.....Wooooooo!......
"Please...No!....Stop....Don't!....."
"Come
on its been a while.....I'm not that drunk....."
"No..MPPPPHHH....Gaak....Naaaaaa!"
"Yes!....Hay-Hay-Hay!...Yippie!..."
"Please...DON'T!"
"He--Heeeee!"
"No...Not
There!...."
"Huh...Huh....Huh!!!...."
"No...Please...Not there...Not THERE!!!"
"Ah! Nilf-Nilf-Nilf!.....Woo-Hoo-Hoooooo!...Ta-Dum-Ta-Dum-Ta-Dum!"
( sounds that indicated that he was hopping or galloping around the room!)
LOL!!! I'll never forget
the look on HER face as she went to her car later...all dressed up business like and walking dignified
as if nothing at all had happened...I had on my evil grin and she knew then that
I KNEW...and immediately took on a "Guilty" looking demeanor. Personally, I
think she dug it because I DID detect the unmistakable sounds of a violent (Ahhhh YESSSS-----YESSSS!)Female orgasm
and it was all part of their fantasy thing...Months later, she left him because he was drunk all the time and just not spending
time with the kids as a Father and I think that that was her main objection and not the hot Monkey love.
And (horrifically), who can forget that infamous day when I
placidly observed my friend aiming and sighting-in a Mauser Rifle at Two little Boys Playing. For
about 15 minutes or so he continued with the precision of a Warren commission poster child...Fullwize absorbed in the Zen
world of Windage, elevation and trajectory...while we made small Ordenance talk. Finally,
during a break in our conversation I calmly pointed out "By the way Old Man, I must caution you, that weapon is
loaded." (!!!!!!!!!!) He never forgot this and tells the story to this day!
If one of Our Friends fell out of favor with us we would say that he And his Family would
have to go to the CAMPS with the REST. Then we would enter in to a dialog like this:
"Well, then, he and his family may have to go to
the camps with the rest, but because of our long association, we will
be benevolent in our care of them....... by only making them do heavy labour such as mixing
cement in the winter time...... and unlike the other inmates (Who would be shot
for minor infractions of discipline), we will let them (For Instance) wear expended cement sacks
to help keep them warm in the sub zero weather...in exchange of course, for a hearty days work,
amusement....and......"
"AND TORTURE"".....
"And....where they will be available for many experimentation's...and.. "..."and MUTATIONS..." (!!!!) (^>) "And
Torture" as I remember it, was added to any punishment description to give full effect as to the seriousness of their
"CRIMES" against the REICH...(^>). ...
The retarded Christmas tree salesman:
When I tried to get the tree from him for a quarter.: "I'm Uhhhhhh....But
I ain't That DUhhhhhhhh.....(Shaking his head from side to side) LOL!!! In Other words, he was letting me know that
he wasn't SO retarded as to let a $30.00 tree go for a Quarter...
McMother:
As I recall, McMother did
time at what we called "Ernst Rohms Camp for wayward boys" at JAMESBERG
for chasing Debbie Topaleski and Tish O'Brien a quarter of a mile with his dick in his hand,
Yelling/Grinning widely: "Ewe-Hoo-Hoo...Im Gonna Fuck Youuuu!"
They Locked themselves in a phone booth and called
the cops! McMother Outside doing a Hitler Jig with his dork Hanging out! Chanting over and over..."Ewe-Hoo-Hoo...I'm
Gonna Fuck Youuuu!"...
Finally they became so frightened that they actually dropped a
dime on him. He kept saying, "Awww, You wouldn't do that?!" Right up until the Cops arrived! (Actually
he was quite astonished and did not run, but stared at the Cops in disbelief!)
He insisted to the end
that He was "Only Kidding"......It ....It was "Only a Joke"...and last
but not least, "But I only wanted to scare them"....!!!!!!
The McMother Jingle:
Take it in your Hand Mrs. Murphy
It Only weighs
a Quarter of a Pound.
It's round and red like a turkey...
And
It squirts when you jerk it up and down!
The Joey the Jap Incident and other Lynch Mob activity:
Once the Kids in our Hood formed a"Posse" that nearly hanged a Kid that
we called "Joey the Jap! The whole neighborhood slowly gathered and stalked him as a giant mob,
chanting:
"Joey-the-Jap!
Joey-The-Jap!
Joey-The-Jap!
In the
lead was some Girl! It was so freakin Bizarre! That happening today
would be on CNN!
Poor kid...I think he was actually Korean....Nothing
ever surfaced to indicate that he had done anything wrong! It was just because he LOOKED Japanese
to them and we used to see a lot of T.V. Featuring a generic character that we called "The Movie Jap,
Who was, "Ready and Eager to Whip YOU!" That HAD to be it.....Ignorant Fuckwads!....(^>)
Then
There was an identical incident where they did the same thing to a German
Kid named GUNTHER! (At least Gunther really WAS German.)
Once, Jay Topaleski and some others hung Howie Case by his ankles over
the Creek on Highway 36 near what was the A&P ...He got out of being dropped by faking a heart attack!
If he had been dropped he would have been the first to have deserved it.
Jay and those Dudez tried doing that to me but I ran through 55 Mph traffic
and jumped onto the top of the median, Cars whizzing by on both sides...They just looked in disbelief as I calmly stood there.
Sensing the possibility of present or future Death, Jay exclaimed, "There will be no more of this shit,
guys...." and the Bridge hangings ceased.
"Zombory?...You mean the Human Cannonball???"
One time MikeT and I had just finished a MONSTROUS
meal of fried chicken filets and mashed potatoes prepared expertly and washed down with numerous crackling cold 7-Ups.
After burping, patting our bloated bellies and picking our teeth (With real wood toothpicks, mind
you) I excused myself to use the bathroom.... After a considerable period of time (and physical effort)
and the sound of the toilet being flushed...twice, I then emerged with
a satisfied, contented expression and announced with great pride "I just took a shit that would
have done a bull proud!" Much to the merryment of my friend. (Indeed, it would have been added to
the House of Mard hall of fame). A priceless moment!
Scripts:
From "Draculas Daughter":
"I remember my Mother reading to me in the twilight...".........."TWILIGHT".
"The Rustling of leaves in the trees"..."DEAD LEAVES..."
"The Flapping of birds wings as they come to rest...."...."The
WINGS OF BATS!"
"I hear the play full barking of a dog in the distance...."..."Barking,
Because there are WOLVES ABOUT".
"Why Do you TORMENT ME???"..."Listen to that music...Is
that the music of release??...Or the music of EVIL..DARK PLACES...and DEATH??!!"
The Acme Snowman Co.
2 carrots (one Male one female).
2 Scarfs (One Red one Blue).
2 Hats, (One Top one Bonnet).
Just buy twelve truckloads of snow from a selection we will send
you every month for the next 10 years.Complimentary Contraceptive device if you order by midnight tonight. Turns hard snow
into slush! Cancel anytime and just send the Acme Snowman kit back to us..but you still get to keep the frigging snow.(We
will be happy to remove it for a small fee...
"The Suit Man....He's Wanted!"
Ganbizari: To Shoot into the Legs of TIME.
Planet of the "OPEN-SPACE" DUDES!
"The Valiant taste death but once".
Places:
Tenores Luncheonette.
Benny's Pool Room.
Gerard's Grocery and Produce.
Hole in the Wall Pizza.
JockaMo's
Villanova Butchers.
Luigi's Pizza (Of Middle road, Actual owners relocated to Little
silver where you can still get a REAL PIZZA!)
Sandy Hook
Twin Lights
The RANGE (Near Raritan High)
Natco Lake
The Shed (In My BACK YARD)
The Belevedere Pool
The Belevedere Skate Rink
The Crystal Pool
West Keansburg School
Liberty Hose (RBFD)
Red Bank Armory
The WOODS (In Back of Lillian Drive)
The Bridge (On 36)
The TREE! (and the Tree Incident!)
The Desert (Behind the Bottom of liberty place)
The Underground Fort (In My Back Yard)
The Barn (In My Back Yard)
The Outhouse (In My Back Yard)
The BLOCK CAN!
Remember to E-Mail us with your Spin on these oft repeated platitudes or incidents
we have forgotten!
